by Misty Dawn
she needed everything.
it didn’t seem like much.
but it was.
she needed everything & nothing at the same time.
she didn’t used to even need a shirt . . .
let alone deep conversations about why most things aren’t black or white.
& conversations about why the Word I tell her to live her life by, doesn’t include the answers to the questions she’ll inevitably have . . . because the Word isn’t about her at all.
it’s about Him.
a diaper was enough . . .
although that was mainly for my benefit.
she felt free.
but she wasn’t.
it used to be about hamburger helper & peas, & how delicious they tasted BS
it was about laying in the grass.
breathing deeply, gazing between my eyes & the sky.
she couldn’t yet speak, but she had a story to tell. rather, He had a story to tell.
these days its conversations about the vast differences,
& similarities . . .
that God has revealed.
differences & the similarities that are in direct competition with what her world saturates her in.
& not the friendly kind of competition you might see between friends who actually gathered enough people to play sand volleyball at the park around the corner . . .
but the kind of competition you’d see in battle.
a battle for souls.
an eternal battle.
back then . . . .
all she needed was me.
for me to do for her what she couldn’t do for herself.
& then for me to teach her how.
& now it’s not teaching that she wants, but a model.
she doesn’t ask for a model though.
but she needs one.
just like she needed me then.
& later on it won’t be a model that she needs,
it’ll be something else.
I wonder what it’ll be then . . .
As I wonder . . .
& as I reflect . . .
I feel joy.
a joy that wasn’t fully possible in the moment,
but a deeper joy that is possible now.
& I wonder . . .
what is it that’s happening now,
that’ll be my joy in the days to come . . .
& how can I steal some of that joy from later & bask in it now.
how can I step outside of time to experience these moments,
these days . . .
that are like mist on the morning grass,
& fully know them.
& fully enjoy them.
like I’m fully known.
I want that with her . . . because He wants that with me.
her need for me is a reflection of my need for Him.
the battle for her soul is no different than the battle for mine.
He has done for me what I could not do for myself.
& has modeled for me when I didn’t even know I needed a model . . .
He’s outside of time.
she’s my child, like I am His.
like you are His.